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Management Quotes - Management Humor

  • On Business/Employment ; This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation. -- Anonymous 
  • WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL! Firings will continue until moral improves - Unknown 
  • Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  • Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do. --Dale Carnegie
  • A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. --Robert Frost 
  • A day without laughter is a day wasted. --Charlie Chaplin
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. --Robert Frost
  • A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. --Winston S. Churchill 
  • A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. --Robert Frost
  • A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men. --Willy Wonka
  • All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. --Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. --Mark Twain
  • An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. --Will Rogers
  • As long as you can laugh at yourself you will never cease to be amused. --Unknown
  • Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment. --Rita Mae Brown
  • On Taxes: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in.- Simplified tax form suggested by Stanton Delaplane

  • Happiness lies, first of all, in health. --George William Curtis
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. --Redd Foxx
  • He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much. --Bessie Stanley
  • He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. --H. H. Munro
  • He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot. --Unknown
  • Hell, there are no rules here--we're trying to accomplish something. --Thomas A. Edison
  • I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. --Woody Allen
  • I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. --Garrison Keillor
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
  • I don't want any "yes-men" around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. --Samuel Goldwyn
  • I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. --Ashleigh Brilliant
  • If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. --Tom Lehrer
  • If a pessimist is always right, is he a realist? --Unknown
  • If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius. --Larry Leissner
  • If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking. --Unknown
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? --Unknown
  • If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. --Unknown
  • If you believe everything you read, better not read. --Japanese proverb
  • If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind. --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
  • If you know you're going to look back on today and laugh, you might as well start laughing now. --Unknown
  • If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. --Katherine Hepburn
  • If you suffer, thank God! -- it is a sure sign that you are alive. --Elbert Hubbard
  • If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. --Mark Twain
  • If you think education is expensive, Try Ignorance!!! --Andy McIntyre
  • I hate quotations. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
  • I improve on misquotation. --Cary Grant
  • I'll publish right or wrong. Fools are my theme, let satire be my song. --Lord Byron
  • I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. --Douglas Adams
  • I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. --David Letterman
  • I'm not intending to imply insult or judgment here but I am curious to know in order to be able to respond to your posts in an appropriate manner, so please forgive what appears to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are you stupid? --Melinda Shore
  • I never know how much of what I say is true. --Bette Midler
  • I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. --Albert Einstein
  • Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world. --Mary Shafer
  • Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. --Woody Allen
  • Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? --Kelvin Throop, III
  • It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. --M. Grundler
  • It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. --Unknown
  • It's kind of fun to do the impossible. --Walt Disney
  • I used to be Snow White -- but I drifted. --Mae West
  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. --Groucho Marx
  • I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don't know." --Mark Twain
  • Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. --Lily Tomlin
  • Many a man's tongue broke his nose. --Seamus MacManus
  • May all who love the Lord, love you and those who don't love you, may the Lord give them a limp so you can see them coming. --Irish Blessing
  • Maybe he's only a little bit crazy, like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington. --Mr. Shellhammer
  • Maybe this world is another planet's hell. --Aldous Huxley
  • Every solution breeds new problems.
  • Murphy's Law of Copiers: The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
  • Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: 1)the two cars are going in opposite directions, and 2) they will always meet at the bridge.
  • Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
  • Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
  • Murphy's Philosophy?: Smile...tomorrow will be worse.
  • Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.
  • Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
  • Law of Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread is buttered.
  • The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  • Achenson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
  • Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
  • Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  • An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
  • Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
  • All great discoveries are made by mistakes.
  • A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
  • New systems generate new problems.
  • Any give program, when running, is obsolete.
  • A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Things to think about

  • If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?
  • Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited?
  • Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
  • If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
  • Why is that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
  • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes--why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
  • If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Zingers

  • I don't have an attitude problem You have a perception problem.
  • If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
  • I don't get even, I get odder.
  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  • I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
  • I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
  • I tease about drugs a lot, but in reality I take them seriously.
  • Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
  • I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
  • I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD.
  • I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  • We've upped our standards, now up yours.
  • Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
  • If I wanted to listen to an asshole I would have farted.
  • I'm so far behind I think I'm first.
  • Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.
  • How's your wife and my kids?
  • Accidents don't just happen; they must be carelessly planned.
  • Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
  • Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
  • Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  • Just because I don't care doesn't meant I don't understand.
  • An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience.
  • If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
  • Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
  • If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
  • Celibacy is no hereditary.
  • If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't be called "research".
  • Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!
  • Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
  • Time is what keeps everything from happening to us all at once.
  • My heart is in the right place, I know, because I hid it there.
  • Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
  • Am I getting smart with you?...how would you know?
  • Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
  • The truth is out there. So what are you doing here!
  • Clean, dependable, hard working...good god what kind of monster have I become!?!
  • Things always look better when you can't see them.
  • "Push to test." "Release to detonate."
  • Occasionally, I have to think like myself to remember where I put something. --Sue S. Taylor

  • OK, so you've got a Ph.D. Now, don't touch anything. --Unknown

  • Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. --Unknown

  • Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain

  • Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet To run amuck, and tilt at all I meet. --Alexander Pope

  • She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit. --W. Somerset Maugham

  • Smile -- It's the second best thing you can do with your lips. --Unknown

  • Someone's boring me. I think it's me. --Dylan Thomas

  • Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence. --Ashleigh Brilliant

  • Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. --W. C. Fields

  • Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure. --Michael Levine

  • Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. --Abraham Lincoln

  • Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand. --Putt's Law

  • That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! --Calvin

  • The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. --Robert Frost

  • The first rule to tinkering is to save all the parts. --Paul Erlich

  • The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. --Mark Twain

  • The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. --E. E. Cummings

  • The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. --Joe Ancis

  • The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency. --Eugene McCarthy

  • The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. --Solomon Short

  • There are two rules for success. . . 1) Never tell everything you know. --Roger H. Lincoln

  • There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. --Cicero

  • The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. --Albert Einstein

  • These days, the wages of sin depend on what kind of deal you make with the devil. --Kara Vichko

  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown

  • The words you speak today should be soft and tender. . . for tomorrow you may have to eat them. --Unknown

  • Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. --William Shakespeare

  • 'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt. --Samuel Johnson

  • Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. --Ashleigh Brilliant

  • We are drowning in information and starved for knowledge. --Unknown

  • Well, all I know is what I read in the papers. --Will Rogers

  • What Every Computer Consultant Needs to Know: 1) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 2) Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. --Murphy's Computer Laws

  • What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? --Ursula LeGuin

  • When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred. --Thomas Jefferson, Writings

  • Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --Oscar Wilde

  • When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. --Albert Einstein

  • Why is it when we talk to God we're praying -- but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic? --Lily Tomlin

  • Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the legal kind. --Kay Ingram

  • Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking. --John Maynard Keynes

  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it? --Steven Wright

  • You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself. --Ethel Barrymoore

  • You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners. --Rita Mae Brown

  • You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. --Mark Twain

  • Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true. --Bertold Brecht

  • An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh. - Will Rogers

  • Man must sit in chair with mouth open for very long time before roast duck fly in - Chinese Proverb

  • I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. - Johnny Carson

  • One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers

  • Black holes are where God divided by zero. - Steven Wright

  • I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. - Steven Wright

  • Hell, by the time a man scratches his ass, clear his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes. - Lyndon B. Johnson

  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

  • We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by. - Will Rogers

  • Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will Rogers

  • I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. - Gore Vidal

  • The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports

  • Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." - Disraeli

  • My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. --Errol Flynn

  • Never argue with a fool. Someone watching may not be able to tell the difference. --Unknown

  • Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it.... --Mark Twain

  • No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. --Abraham Lincoln

  • I have to go now. I'm having a friend for dinner. Anthony Hopkins , silence of the lamb movie

More Management Humor

  • Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
  • It was such a lovely day I thought it's a pity to get up.--W. Somerset Maugham
  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx
  • I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
  • I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  • The more things change, the more they stay the same.
  • Don't count your chickens before they cross the road.
  • I cannot be bought.. but I can be rented.--Don O'Shaughnessy
  • He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm.--Don O'Shaughnessy
  • Somewhere in the world there's somebody better than me.. but I haven't met him yet.
  • A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • Were your parents disappointed they never had any children?--
  • Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  • The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
  • Bad artists copy. Great artists steal.--Picasso
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.--Wolfgang Pauli
  • Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.--Lily Tomlin
  • Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.--Pancho Villa-Last Words
  • Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?--Heidi Sandige
  • The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
  • Life is pain...anyone who says differently is selling something.
  • Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
  • How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.--Dennis the Menace
  • I hope life isn't a big joke -- because I don't get it.
  • I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.
  • Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
  • Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.
  • War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
  • Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up than man run with pants down.
  • Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
  • Man who drops watches in toilet have shitty time.
  • I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.--W.C.Fields
  • When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.--Henry Miller
  • I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.--Charles Schultz
  • Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.--Wilson Mizner
  • Life is a sexually transmitted disease.--Anonymous
  • Architecture is the art of how to waste space.--Philip Johnson
  • Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.--Ambrose Bierce
  • I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
  • If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.--Samuel Goldwyn
  • I'm still an atheist, thank God!--Luis Bunel
  • Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.--Stephen Wright
  • The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.--Jean Giraudoux
  • So little time and so little to do.--Oscar Levant
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.--Will Rogers
  • I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave.--E.M.Forster
  • The last time somebody asked, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."--Roy Blount, Jr.
  • Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.--Ashleigh Brilliant
  • If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.--Quentin Crisp
  • We're not lost. We're locationaly challenged.--John M. Ford
  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx
  • Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git" --Alexi Sayle
  • What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright
  • I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.--Steven Pearl
  • Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.--Joey Bishop
  • I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.--Totie Fields
  • There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.--Robert Orben
  • Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.--Adreienne E. Gusoff
  • If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.--Dick Cavett
  • We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.--Jeff marder
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
  • The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
  • All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
  • One seventh of your life is spent on a Monday.
  • People who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them.--Chinese Fortune Cookie
  • Guide to understanding a net addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of Usenet.
  • Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
  • Never go to a doctor whose office plant have died.--Erma Bombeck
  • Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.--A sign at the ice cream parlor
  • Just when you think you have hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.--Anonymous
  • I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the beaches of the world..maybe you've seen it.--Steven Wright
  • I filled out an application that said, "In Case of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?--Steven Wright

Taglines

  • If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
  • If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
  • If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
  • In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
  • Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
  • Just do it.
  • Just did it.
  • Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
  • Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
  • Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
  • The rich gets richer; the poor get babies.
  • This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
  • Was today really Necessary?
  • Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
  • hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
  • If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
  • Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
  • Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
  • I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
  • God may have mad man first, but there is always a ruff draft before a final copy.
  • A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
  • Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
  • I'm so thirsty I'd lick the water out of Clinton's diarrhea... I'm sorry if I grossed you out. I shouldn't have used Clinton...
  • Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
  • For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
  • Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
  • Due to the outbreak of aids, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.
  • Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool!
  • Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
  • God invented man because Eve's vibrator ran out of batteries.
  • God invented women because he wanted a good laugh.
  • My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
  • Life in a vacuum sucks.
  • On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
  • I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • When there's a will, I want to be in it.
  • A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
  • Alone: In bad company.
  • Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
  • As I said before, I never repeat myself.
  • Black holes really suck...
  • Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
  • Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
  • I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  • I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
  • I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
  • If I save time, when do I get it back?
  • If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
  • If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
  • Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.--Billiam Coronel
  • Never get into a fight with an ugly person. He has nothing to lose.
  • Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.
  • The statistic on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.--Rita Mae Brown
  • Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.--Rich Cook
  • My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
  • When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.--Marcel Achard
  • I didn't accept it. I received it.--Richard Allen
  • He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.--Bertolt Brecht
  • Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me!
  • You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.--Ellen DeGeneres
  • Byron Elbows' two rules of human nature: No one is as weird as they think they are. Everyone is weirder than others think they are.
  • Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.--Albert Camus
  • Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.--George Carlin
  • Journalism consists largely I saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.--G.K.Chesterton
  • We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
  • If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.--George Gobel
  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.--Carol Leifer
  • A job worth doing is worth complaining about.
  • I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my lucks, and dodging deadlines.
  • The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.--Aaron Machado
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • If you have an all-state insurance, please don't hit me.--Thank you Cita
  • It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope. - Pope John XXIII
    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Steven Wright
    Schizophrenia beats dining alone. - Oscar Lavant
  • Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
  • A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
  • The less hair I have, the more head I get.
  • If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
  • I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  • Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  • Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • I have yet not been able to answer ... the great question that has never been answered : What does a woman want ? Sigmund Freud

  • Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.Charlotte Whitton 

  • I'm not happy, I'm cheerful. There's a difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them, Beverly Sills

  • The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.Unknown

  • From birth to age 18 A girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35 she needs good looks. From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.
    Sophie Tucker , Singer

  • You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Unknown

  • Women like the simple things in life, like men. Unknown

  • Give us the tools and we will finish the job, Winston Churchill

  • I never did a day's work in my life, it was all fun
    Thomas Alva Edison

  • Almost anyone can be an author; the business is to collect money and fame from that state of being. A. A. Milne humorist
  • I would have made a good Pope. -- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
  • Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. --Mary Ellen Kelly
  • Alan's Law of Research: theory is supported as long as the funds are.
  • The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
  • After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
  • Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
  • If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
  • Work smarter not harder and be careful of you spelling.
  • If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
  • If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  • When all else fails, read the instructions.
  • Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
  • Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
  • Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
  • Whenever things sound easy, it turns out there's one part you didn't hear.--Donald E. Westlake
  • If I traveled to the end of the rainbow, as Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, the pot's at the other end.
  • In the history of life, no good news has followed that sentence [ "We have to talk."].
  • Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  • Everything takes longer than you think.
  • Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Except when you want to prove this.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  • The tough part of a Data Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • One child is not enough, but two children is too many.
  • The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
  • The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
  • You never want the one you can afford.
  • Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
  • If it says "one size fits all" it doesn't fit anyone.
  • Love letters, business contracts, and money due to you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
  • When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
  • No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
  • The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
  • When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
  • The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  • The one item you want is never the one on sale.
  • If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  • If you perceive that there are four possible way in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
  • It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  • Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

 


 

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 Last Updated: November 22, 2018.