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Management Insights
Management Quotes
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Management Humor
Things to think about
- If a cluttered desk is characteristic of
a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?
- Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations
when smoking is prohibited?
- Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
- Why are there flotation devices under
plane seats instead of parachutes?
- If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days
a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do
they make Teflon stick to the pan?
- If you are driving at the speed of light
and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
- Why is that when you transport something
by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship
it's called cargo?
- Why do they put Braille dots on the
keypad of the drive-up ATM?
- You know that little indestructible
black box that is used on planes--why can't they make the whole plane
out of the same substance?
- Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?
- If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
- Why do you need a driver's license to
buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Zingers
- I don't have an attitude problem You
have a perception problem.
- If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
- I don't get even, I get odder.
- In just two days, tomorrow will be
yesterday.
- I considered atheism but there weren't
enough holidays.
- I always wanted to be a procrastinator,
never got around to it.
- I tease about drugs a lot, but in
reality I take them seriously.
- Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.
- I talk to myself because I like dealing
with a better class of people.
- I'll listen to logic and reason when it
comes out on CD.
- I am in shape. Round is a shape.
- We've upped our standards, now up yours.
- Practice safe eating -- always use
condiments.
- If I wanted to listen to an asshole I
would have farted.
- I'm so far behind I think I'm first.
- Friends -- the people who stab ya in the
front.
- How's your wife and my kids?
- Accidents don't just happen; they must
be carelessly planned.
- Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only
trying to perfect it!
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep
like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
- Stupidity got us into this mess -- why
can't it get us out?
- Help a man when he is in trouble and he
will remember you when he is in trouble again.
- Just because I don't care doesn't meant
I don't understand.
- An optimist is simply a pessimist with
no job experience.
- If today is the first day of the rest of
your life, what the hell was yesterday?
- Misfortune: The kind of fortune that
never misses.
- If you wish to live wisely, ignore
sayings - including this one.
- Anything free is worth what you pay for
it.
- People who think they know everything
are the easiest to fool.
- Celibacy is no hereditary.
- If I knew what I was doing, it wouldn't
be called "research".
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on
the ground, and I will see a man who can't get his pants off!
- Just because you're smart does not mean
that the other guy is stupid.
- Time is what keeps everything from
happening to us all at once.
- My heart is in the right place, I know,
because I hid it there.
- Tell me what you believe and I'll tell
you where you're going wrong.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness
pays off NOW!
- Am I getting smart with you?...how would
you know?
- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some
just abuse the privilege.
- The truth is out there. So what are you
doing here!
- Clean, dependable, hard working...good
god what kind of monster have I become!?!
- Things always look better when you can't
see them.
- "Push to test." "Release
to detonate."
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Occasionally, I have to think like myself to remember where I put
something. --Sue S. Taylor
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OK, so you've got a Ph.D. Now, don't touch anything. --Unknown
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Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday. --Unknown
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Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
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Satire's my weapon, but I'm too discreet To run amuck, and tilt at all
I meet. --Alexander Pope
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She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute
for wit. --W. Somerset Maugham
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Smile -- It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
--Unknown
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Someone's boring me. I think it's me. --Dylan Thomas
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Sometimes I need what only you can provide -- your absence. --Ashleigh
Brilliant
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. --W. C. Fields
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Successful people are very lucky. Just ask any failure. --Michael
Levine
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Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
--Abraham Lincoln
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Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand
what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
--Putt's Law
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That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness
isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! --Calvin
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The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up
in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. --Robert
Frost
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The first rule to tinkering is to save all the parts. --Paul Erlich
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The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
--Mark Twain
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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. --E. E. Cummings
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The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. --Joe
Ancis
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The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.
--Eugene McCarthy
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The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. --Solomon Short
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There are two rules for success. . . 1) Never tell everything you know.
--Roger H. Lincoln
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There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it. --Cicero
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The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. --Albert
Einstein
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These days, the wages of sin depend on what kind of deal you make with
the devil. --Kara Vichko
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown
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The words you speak today should be soft and tender. . . for tomorrow
you may have to eat them. --Unknown
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Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.
--William Shakespeare
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'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's
mouth and remove all doubt. --Samuel Johnson
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Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. --Ashleigh Brilliant
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We are drowning in information and starved for knowledge. --Unknown
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Well, all I know is what I read in the papers. --Will Rogers
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What Every Computer Consultant Needs to Know: 1) In case of doubt, make
it sound convincing. 2) Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
--Murphy's Computer Laws
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What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? --Ursula
LeGuin
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When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.
--Thomas Jefferson, Writings
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Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --Oscar
Wilde
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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you
sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
--Albert Einstein
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Why is it when we talk to God we're praying -- but when God talks to
us, we're schizophrenic? --Lily Tomlin
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Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the
legal kind. --Kay Ingram
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Words ought to be a little wild for they are the assaults of thought on
the unthinking. --John Maynard Keynes
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it? --Steven Wright
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You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.
--Ethel Barrymoore
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You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners. --Rita Mae
Brown
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You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
--Mark Twain
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Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.
--Bertold
Brecht
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An
onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make
people laugh. - Will Rogers
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Man
must sit in chair with mouth open for very long time before roast duck fly in - Chinese
Proverb
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I
know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy
right up to the day he killed himself. - Johnny Carson
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One
out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three
closes friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one. - Ann Landers
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Black
holes are where God divided by zero. - Steven Wright
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I
have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. - Steven
Wright
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Hell,
by the time a man scratches his ass, clear his throat, and tells me how smart he
is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes. - Lyndon B. Johnson
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Clothes
make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark
Twain
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We
can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go
by. - Will Rogers
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Be
thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. - Will
Rogers
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I
never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. - Gore Vidal
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The
word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein. - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports
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Once
at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied,
"That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress." - Disraeli
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My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
--Errol Flynn
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Never argue with a fool. Someone watching may not be able to tell the
difference. --Unknown
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Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it.... --Mark Twain
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No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of
kittens. --Abraham Lincoln
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I have to go now. I'm having a friend for dinner.
Anthony Hopkins ,
silence of the lamb movie
More Management Humor
- Please, Lord, let me prove that winning
the lottery won't spoil me.
- It was such a lovely day I thought it's
a pity to get up.--W. Somerset Maugham
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx
- I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
- I don't suffer from stress. I'm a
carrier.
- The more things change, the more they
stay the same.
- Don't count your chickens before they
cross the road.
- I cannot be bought.. but I can be
rented.--Don O'Shaughnessy
- He ended the job as he began it; fired
with enthusiasm.--Don O'Shaughnessy
- Somewhere in the world there's somebody
better than me.. but I haven't met him yet.
- A conclusion is simply the place where
you got tired of thinking.
- I am not a vegetarian because I love
animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Were your parents disappointed they
never had any children?--
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you
how to get along without it.
- The statement below is true. The
statement above is false.
- Bad artists copy. Great artists
steal.--Picasso
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving
is not for you.
- This isn't right. This isn't even
wrong.--Wolfgang Pauli
- Man invented language to satisfy his
deep need to complain.--Lily Tomlin
- Don't let it end like this. Tell them I
said something.--Pancho Villa-Last Words
- Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or
because I'm still alive?--Heidi Sandige
- The right half of the brain controls the
left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in
their right mind.
- Life is pain...anyone who says
differently is selling something.
- Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man
healthy but socially dead.
- How come dumb stuff seems so smart while
you're doing it.--Dennis the Menace
- I hope life isn't a big joke -- because
I don't get it.
- I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.
- Best way to prevent hangover is to stay
drunk.
- Man who sneezes without tissues takes
matters into his own hands.
- War doesn't determine who's right. War
determines who's left.
- Rape impossible. Woman run faster with
skirt up than man run with pants down.
- Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up
in deep shit.
- Man who drops watches in toilet have
shitty time.
- I am free of all prejudices. I hate
everyone equally.--W.C.Fields
- When shit becomes valuable, the poor
will be born without assholes.--Henry Miller
- I love mankind; it's people I can't
stand.--Charles Schultz
- Gambling: The sure way of getting
nothing for something.--Wilson Mizner
- Life is a sexually transmitted
disease.--Anonymous
- Architecture is the art of how to waste
space.--Philip Johnson
- Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of
another's resemblance to ourselves.--Ambrose Bierce
- I have not lost my mind - it's backed up
on disk somewhere.
- If I could drop dead right now, I'd be
the happiest man alive.--Samuel Goldwyn
- I'm still an atheist, thank God!--Luis
Bunel
- Last night I stayed up late playing
poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.--Stephen Wright
- The secret of success is sincerity. Once
you can fake that you've got it made.--Jean Giraudoux
- So little time and so little to
do.--Oscar Levant
- I don't make jokes. I just watch the
government and report the facts.--Will Rogers
- I would rather be a coward than brave
because people hurt you when you are brave.--E.M.Forster
- The last time somebody asked, "I
find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied,
"They used to say the same thing about drugs."--Roy Blount,
Jr.
- Sometimes I need what only you can
provide - Your absence.--Ashleigh Brilliant
- If at first you don't succeed, failure
may be your style.--Quentin Crisp
- We're not lost. We're locationaly
challenged.--John M. Ford
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx
- Americans have different ways of saying
things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ...
they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git"
--Alexi Sayle
- What's another word for
Thesaurus?--Steven Wright
- I phoned my dad to tell him I had
stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.--Steven Pearl
- Today you can go to a gas station and
find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think
toilet paper is worth more than money.--Joey Bishop
- I've been on a diet for two weeks and
all I've lost is two weeks.--Totie Fields
- There's so much pollution in the air now
that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it
all.--Robert Orben
- Not only is life a bitch, it has
puppies.--Adreienne E. Gusoff
- If your parents never had children,
chances are you won't either.--Dick Cavett
- We live in an age when pizza gets to
your home before the police.--Jeff marder
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you
to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
- The trick to flying is to throw yourself
at the ground and miss.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
- All things being equal, fat people use
more soap.
- One seventh of your life is spent on a
Monday.
- People who are late are often happier
than those who have to wait for them.--Chinese Fortune Cookie
- Guide to understanding a net addict's
day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely
squeezed in three hours of Usenet.
- Always remember that you're unique, just
like everyone else.
- Never go to a doctor whose office plant
have died.--Erma Bombeck
- Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.--A sign at the ice
cream parlor
- Just when you think you have hit bottom,
someone tosses you a shovel.--Anonymous
- I have a large seashell collection which
I keep scattered all over the beaches of the world..maybe you've seen
it.--Steven Wright
- I filled out an application that said,
"In Case of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...
What's my mother going to do?--Steven Wright
Taglines
- If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it
needed replacing anyway.
- If it works, tear it apart and find out
why!
- If you're not confused, you're not
paying attention.
- In case of emergency, break glass.
Scream. Bleed to death.
- Insanity is hereditary. You get it from
your kids.
- Just do it.
- Just did it.
- Just what part of "NO" didn't
you understand...?
- Never assume. It makes an
"ass" out of "u" and "me".
- Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
- The rich gets richer; the poor get
babies.
- This is just a hobby. Perfection is not
required. Fun is.
- Was today really Necessary?
- Why are you looking down here? The joke
is above!
- hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
- If you think sex is a pain in the ass,
you're doing it wrong.
- Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't
have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use
birth control!
- I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can
lose weight!
- God may have mad man first, but there is
always a ruff draft before a final copy.
- A man is not complete until he is
married -- then he is finished.
- Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid
I'll take over.
- I'm so thirsty I'd lick the water out of
Clinton's diarrhea... I'm sorry if I grossed you out. I shouldn't have
used Clinton...
- Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a
phoneless cord.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the
question. Yes is the answer.
- Eat right, exercise daily, live clean,
die anyway.
- Due to the outbreak of aids, employees
will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.
- Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant
is a little like having a peeing section in a pool!
- Life without danger is a waste of
oxygen.
- God invented man because Eve's vibrator
ran out of batteries.
- God invented women because he wanted a
good laugh.
- My wife ran away with my best friend. I
sure miss him.
- Life in a vacuum sucks.
- On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS
SICK"
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy
every minute of it.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- A conscience does not prevent sin. It
only prevents you from enjoying it.
- Alone: In bad company.
- Always glad to share my ignorance - I've
got plenty.
- As I said before, I never repeat myself.
- Black holes really suck...
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make
the unexpected become the expected?
- Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
- I don't have a solution but I admire the
problem.
- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I'm perfect.
- I've got to sit down and work out where
I stand.
- If I save time, when do I get it back?
- If at first you don't succeed, put it
out for beta test.
- If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
- Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt.
Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it
on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.--Billiam Coronel
- Never get into a fight with an ugly
person. He has nothing to lose.
- Don't kick a man when he's down unless
you're certain he won't get up.
- The statistic on sanity are that one out
of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's
you.--Rita Mae Brown
- Programming today is a race between
software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.--Rich Cook
- My wife said I never listen to her. At
least I think that's what she said.
- When I give a lecture, I accept that
people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they
look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it
stopped.--Marcel Achard
- I didn't accept it. I received
it.--Richard Allen
- He who laughs last has not yet heard the
bad news.--Bertolt Brecht
- Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me!
- You have to stay in shape. My
grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.--Ellen
DeGeneres
- Byron Elbows' two rules of human nature:
No one is as weird as they think they are. Everyone is weirder than
others think they are.
- Some people talk in their sleep.
Lecturers talk while other people sleep.--Albert Camus
- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going
slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a
maniac.--George Carlin
- Journalism consists largely I saying
"Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was
alive.--G.K.Chesterton
- We have strange and wonderful
relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
- If it weren't for electricity we'd all
be watching television by candlelight.--George Gobel
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy:
No pain, no pain.--Carol Leifer
- A job worth doing is worth complaining
about.
- I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to
conclusions, pushing my lucks, and dodging deadlines.
- The imaginary friends I had as a kid
dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.--Aaron
Machado
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- If you have an all-state insurance, please don't hit me.--Thank you
Cita
- It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a
serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up
completely and remember that I am the Pope. - Pope John XXIII
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Steven Wright
Schizophrenia beats dining alone. - Oscar Lavant
- Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
- The less hair I have, the more head I get.
- If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
- Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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I have yet not been able to answer ... the great question that has
never been answered : What does a woman want ? Sigmund Freud
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Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought
half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.Charlotte Whitton
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I'm not happy, I'm cheerful. There's a difference. A happy woman has
no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal
with them,
Beverly Sills
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The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.Unknown
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From birth to age 18 A girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35 she
needs good looks. From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality. From 55 on,
she needs good cash. Sophie Tucker , Singer
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You see an awful lot of
smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with
a dumb guy. Unknown
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Women like the simple
things in life, like men. Unknown
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Give us the tools and we will finish the job,
Winston Churchill
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I never did a day's work in my life, it was all fun
Thomas Alva Edison
- Almost anyone can be an author; the business is to collect money and fame
from that state of being. A. A. Milne humorist
- I would have made a good Pope. -- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
- Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. --Mary Ellen
Kelly
- Alan's Law of Research: theory is supported as long as the funds
are.
- The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult
for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
- After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
- Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any
system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
- If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
- Work smarter not harder and be careful of you spelling.
- If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
- If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
- When all else fails, read the instructions.
- Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
- Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
- Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete
than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce
the time it takes.
- Whenever things sound easy, it turns out there's one part you didn't
hear.--Donald E. Westlake
- If I traveled to the end of the rainbow, as Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me, the pot's at the other end.
- In the history of life, no good news has followed that sentence [
"We have to talk."].
- Nothing is as easy as it looks.
- Everything takes longer than you think.
- Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Except when you want to prove
this.
- If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The tough part of a Data Manager's job is that users don't really know
what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- One child is not enough, but two children is too many.
- The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
- The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
- You never want the one you can afford.
- Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a
good price.
- If it says "one size fits all" it doesn't fit anyone.
- Love letters, business contracts, and money due to you always arrive
three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
- When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall
nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
- No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
- The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
- When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
- The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- The one item you want is never the one on sale.
- If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
- If you perceive that there are four possible way in which a procedure
can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will
promptly develop.
- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
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