Humor - 5
- Not only is life a bitch, it has
puppies.--Adreienne E. Gusoff
- If your parents never had children,
chances are you won't either.--Dick Cavett
- We live in an age when pizza gets to
your home before the police.--Jeff marder
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you
to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
- The trick to flying is to throw yourself
at the ground and miss.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
- All things being equal, fat people use
- One seventh of your life is spent on a
- People who are late are often happier
than those who have to wait for them.--Chinese Fortune Cookie
- Guide to understanding a net addict's
day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely
squeezed in three hours of Usenet.
- Always remember that you're unique, just
like everyone else.
- Never go to a doctor whose office plant
have died.--Erma Bombeck
- Marriage is a three ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring.--A sign at the ice
- Just when you think you have hit bottom,
someone tosses you a shovel.--Anonymous
- I have a large seashell collection which
I keep scattered all over the beaches of the world..maybe you've seen
- I filled out an application that said,
"In Case of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...
What's my mother going to do?--Steven Wright
- If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it
needed replacing anyway.
- If it works, tear it apart and find out
- If you're not confused, you're not
- In case of emergency, break glass.
Scream. Bleed to death.
- Insanity is hereditary. You get it from
- Just do it.
- Just did it.
- Just what part of "NO" didn't
- Never assume. It makes an
"ass" out of "u" and "me".
- Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
- The rich gets richer; the poor get
- This is just a hobby. Perfection is not
required. Fun is.
- Was today really Necessary?
- Why are you looking down here? The joke
- hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
- If you think sex is a pain in the ass,
you're doing it wrong.
- Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't
have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use
- I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can
- God may have mad man first, but there is
always a ruff draft before a final copy.
- A man is not complete until he is
married -- then he is finished.
- Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid
I'll take over.
- I'm so thirsty I'd lick the water out of
Clinton's diarrhea... I'm sorry if I grossed you out. I shouldn't have
- Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the
question. Yes is the answer.
- Eat right, exercise daily, live clean,
- Due to the outbreak of aids, employees
will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.
- Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant
is a little like having a peeing section in a pool!
- Life without danger is a waste of
- God invented man because Eve's vibrator
ran out of batteries.
- God invented women because he wanted a
- My wife ran away with my best friend. I
sure miss him.
- Life in a vacuum sucks.
- On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy
every minute of it.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- A conscience does not prevent sin. It
only prevents you from enjoying it.
- Alone: In bad company.
- Always glad to share my ignorance - I've
- As I said before, I never repeat myself.
- Black holes really suck...
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make
the unexpected become the expected?
- Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
- I don't have a solution but I admire the
- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I'm perfect.
- I've got to sit down and work out where
- If I save time, when do I get it back?
- If at first you don't succeed, put it
out for beta test.
- If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
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