Management Insights

Management Humor -1

• On Business/Employment ; This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation. -- Anonymous 
• WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL Firings will continue until moral improves - Unknown 
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do. --Dale Carnegie
• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. --Robert Frost 
• A day without laughter is a day wasted. --Charlie Chaplin
• A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. --Robert Frost
• A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. --Winston S. Churchill 
• A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. --Robert Frost
• A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men. --Willy Wonka
• All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. --Ashleigh Brilliant
• Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. --Mark Twain
• An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out. --Will Rogers
• As long as you can laugh at yourself you will never cease to be amused. --Unknown
• Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment. --Rita Mae Brown

• On Taxes: How much money did you make last year? Mail it in.- Simplified tax form suggested by Stanton Delaplane

• Happiness lies, first of all, in health. --George William Curtis
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. --Redd Foxx
• He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much. --Bessie Stanley
• He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. --H. H. Munro
• He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot. --Unknown
• Hell, there are no rules here--we're trying to accomplish something. --Thomas A. Edison
• I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. --Woody Allen
• I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. --Garrison Keillor
• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers
• I don't want any "yes-men" around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. --Samuel Goldwyn
• I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. --Ashleigh Brilliant
• If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it. --Tom Lehrer
• If a pessimist is always right, is he a realist? --Unknown
• If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius. --Larry Leissner
• If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking. --Unknown
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? --Unknown
• If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. --Unknown
• If you believe everything you read, better not read. --Japanese proverb
• If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind. --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
• If you know you're going to look back on today and laugh, you might as well start laughing now. --Unknown
• If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. --Katherine Hepburn
• If you suffer, thank God! -- it is a sure sign that you are alive. --Elbert Hubbard
• If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. --Mark Twain
• If you think education is expensive, Try Ignorance!!! --Andy McIntyre
• I hate quotations. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
• I improve on misquotation. --Cary Grant
• I'll publish right or wrong. Fools are my theme, let satire be my song. --Lord Byron
• I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. --Douglas Adams
• I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious. --David Letterman
• I'm not intending to imply insult or judgment here but I am curious to know in order to be able to respond to your posts in an appropriate manner, so please forgive what appears to be, but in fact is not intended as, an insulting question: Are you stupid? --Melinda Shore
• I never know how much of what I say is true. --Bette Midler
• I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. --Albert Einstein
• Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world. --Mary Shafer
• Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. --Woody Allen
• Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists? --Kelvin Throop, III
• It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. --M. Grundler
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. --Unknown
• It's kind of fun to do the impossible. --Walt Disney
• I used to be Snow White -- but I drifted. --Mae West
• I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. --Groucho Marx
• I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don't know." --Mark Twain
• Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. --Lily Tomlin
• Many a man's tongue broke his nose. --Seamus MacManus
• May all who love the Lord, love you and those who don't love you, may the Lord give them a limp so you can see them coming. --Irish Blessing
• Maybe he's only a little bit crazy, like painters, or composers, or some of those men in Washington. --Mr. Shellhammer
• Maybe this world is another planet's hell. --Aldous Huxley
• Every solution breeds new problems.
• Murphy's Law of Copiers: The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.
• Murphy's Law of the Open Road: When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: 1)the two cars are going in opposite directions, and 2) they will always meet at the bridge.
• Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure.
• Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
• Murphy's Philosophy?: Smile...tomorrow will be worse.
• Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.
• Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
• Law of Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread is buttered.
• The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
• Achenson's Rule of the Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
• Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
• Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
• An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
• Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
• All great discoveries are made by mistakes.
• A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
• New systems generate new problems.
• Any give program, when running, is obsolete.
• A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

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