Happiness Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

Q. How can you tell if a person is unhappy with her/his life?
A. One would think the answer is obvious. Some people have lived unhappy lives for so long that they’ve forgotten what true happiness feels like. For some, it may take most of their adult lives to recognize their own unhappiness. Many do not realize their unhappiness until they are in their middle or later years of their lives; hence the "midlife crisis". Unhappy person exhibits one or more of the following symptoms:

• He/she is obsessed with life being unfair.

• They have a negative outlook on life and towards others. Their first reaction is to doubt the intentions of others and to assume the worst of them.

• Unhappy people are insecure, have low self-esteem or overly sensitive egos.

• They have unrealistically high standards that no one can measure up to. This includes themselves; whether it's looks, morals, or achievements.

• They are easily offended and are too critical of themselves (secretly) and others (openly).

• They have a strong need to be right all the time, which makes her/him highly argumentative.

• They are self-righteous and blame others all the time.

• Their happiness is attached to events, things or others. They view everything in terms of status or competition including their homes, cars, partners, job titles and bank accounts.

• While their cheeks may smile, their eyes don't. Their laughs might be loud, but they don't sound heartfelt.

• The tend to exaggerate negative events. They get depressed more often and for longer periods of time.

• Their language is mostly critical and negative.

• Because of their negative disposition, these individuals can't easily relate to other people (at a deeper level), and they feel lonely.

• They are "control freaks” and exhibit higher degrees of fear, worry, anxiety, stress or anger.

• Because they focus on their negative experiences, they become emotionally exhausted and can easily burnout when faced with a crisis.

• Because we are all creatures of habit, unhappy people are more attracted to negative situations (watching tragedies, war, court and crime shows)

• Unhappy people go through life missing its simple pleasures of life.

• They have less sex and when they do its usually less sensual, more of a conditioned routine or a performance act.

• Since they are not happy with themselves or their lives, they resort to escapism through workaholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, food addiction or the adoption a superstitious belief system.

No one exhibits all the above symptoms at the same time or all the time. If one were to do so, s/he would become  dysfunctional.  The key questions to ask yourself is:

• How many of the above symptoms do you exhibit?

• What are you doing to overcome their root causes?

• How can you improve your life happiness?

Q. What are the common thinking and behavioral characteristics of happy people?
A. Here is a short checklist:

• Happy people are not concerned whether life is fair or not, they want to make the best of it.

• They view life as an adventure rather than a test, a fun journey rather than an ego trip, a game rather than a competition.

• These individuals are less attached to false notions of perfect image or lifestyle. They just want to live life, learn, develop and enjoy.

• Secure and comfortable in their own skin, events and other people's opinions are less important to them. Although they enjoy compliments, they do not need external validation and they never compare themselves with others to determine their own self-worth.

• Happy individuals tend to be more open and accepting (tolerant of other’s mistakes) and have less need to judge others. They are not easily offended and they are less critical of themselves and others.

• They have less of a need to control events and others. When they do exercise control, it is usually a conscious and planned effort rather than an emotional or obsessive reaction. In other words, their need to control is not "out of control"

• They have more peace, hope, courage and confidence. They feel less fear, worry anxiety, stress and anger.

• Because of their "cool" attitude, people who are happy are more relaxed, more spontaneous, less inhibited and more fun to be around with.

• Because of their open-mindedness and positive disposition, they can easily relate to other people, build strong relations and make friends who become a great source of support.

• Since they are less preoccupied with negative experiences, they have ample mental and emotional energy to spend on achieving their goals, which helps them to become more successful.

• Happy people are attracted to other happy people and situations. For example they are more attracted to comedy, educational and fun programs and less interested in watching bad news, tabloids, tragedies, or crime shows.

• They tend to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, whether it’s a golden sunrise, a tasty meal, a fresh drink, a job well done, a friendly conversation, passionate love making or a simple good night sleep.

• They are much more cheerful and much less depressed

 The key questions to ask yourself is:

• How many of the above symptoms do you exhibit?

• How can you sustain and improve the quality of such emotions?

Q. How do I know I found true and lasting happiness?
A. You'll know you've found true and lasting happiness when you see life around you in vivid colors, hear richer sounds, and feel alive again. You'll know when you wake-up and can't wait to start the day. When you feel less irritated, less stressed and be more relaxed. You'll know you have found happiness, when your family and friends tell you that there is something different about you and when new people gravitate toward you.

Q. Can you explain what you mean by the RW, WR and RR people?
A. There are three types of people

• People who do the Right things for the Wrong reasons (they can be successful on the outside, yet unhappy on the inside.)
• People who do the Wrong things for the Right reasons (they have good intentions but cause needless suffering for others.)
• People who do the Right things for the Right reasons (they are the happy people, they enjoy life more than most, but unfortunately they are few.)

Q. What do you think of the popular self-development tools?
A.  There are several useful personality development tools such as positive affirmations, NLP, EFT, mind mapping, hypnosis and meditation, unfortunately, their uses are often exaggerated due to ignorance or for marketing purposes. I will explain some of these tools during the workshop and tell you what they can do, what they can’t do and how best to use them.

Q. What is the human hierarchy of needs?
A. In the 1940s and the 1950s Abraham Maslow developed the Hierarchy of Needs model which remains valid today for understanding human motivation and personal development. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs states that we have five levels of needs.  We must satisfy each need in turn, starting with the first and moving up to level five. Only when the lower order needs of physical and emotional well-being are satisfied are we concerned with the higher order needs of influence and personal development. Conversely, the lower order needs are removed, and we are no longer concerned about the maintenance of our higher order needs.

1. Survival (Biological and Physiological) needs: Air, drink, food, sex, sleep, shelter  ...

2. Safety needs: Security, stability, law ...

3. Belongingness needs: love, relationships, family, tribes....

4. Self-esteem needs: Achievements, independence, power, social status...

5. Self-actualization needs: Self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth, rich experiences, helping others grow...

At what level are you currently operating?

Q. Which psychology school you find most useful?
A. All of them. I do not classify myself as Adlerian, Behaviorist, Freudian, Gestaltist, or Jungian. Although, behaviorism has a strong influence on my thinking, all these schools contributed valuable concepts and tools to the discovery of how our psyche works and I encourage you to explore all of them.

Q. Where do you stand on the Nurture vs. Nature debate?
A. Most studies indicate that personalities are a product of both nature (genetics) and nurture (education and experience). Based on my firsthand experience (my personal change) and observations (change of others), a substantial change is very much possible. When someone asks me how fast and to what degree change can occur, my simple answer is; it depends on the person's motivation, education, pain and rewards for change. For an effective change all of the mentioned factors need to be addressed. Once the person has enough motivation (pain/rewards) to change and is provided with an opportunity to change (new education and training) it is only a matter of time before her/his personality is transformed.

Q. But people's physical, mental, and emotion abilities are not the same?
A. Yes, there are physical, gender, and hormonal differences. And yes, we are born with different physical and mental strengths and weaknesses. It is true that some of us are born with bigger and stronger muscles while others have smaller, weaker ones, but the fact is physical training can strengthen and shape your body. Mental training is just the same. The good news is that the primary determinant for winning in various areas of life is your personality, which is a product of your mental education and training. Aside from mental disabilities and severe mental illnesses, it is my position that personality traits such as happiness, optimism and leadership are not hardwired. To a great degree, they are subject to education, training and positive environmental reinforcement. I do not expect you to agree with me, but let me ask you to ponder over the following questions:

• From your childhood/teen years, do you remember a personality that influenced you positively or negatively? Whether it is a parent, teacher, friend, enemy or even a movie personality? Can you remember the view you formed or the decision you took at the time that influenced your behavior and emotions for a long time?

• Do people seem to mature emotionally with age and experience? Did you? Was there an event or something that bothered you a lot when you were a child, but now you laugh at it?

If the answer is yes to any of the above question then you've got your answer to the change question.

Q. So you are saying that I could be happy regardless of past experiences or my strengths and weakness?
A. Perhaps the best way I can explain it, is metaphorically. I believe that human beings are like musical instruments, we may not have control over our sounds (our biology), but the music we play (our personal notes) is subject to our own thoughts. Who is to say that the piano is better than a violin or the violin is better than a guitar? Regardless of your favorite sound, and whether you play solo or in an orchestra, your personal musical notes can be sad or happy. The two key questions you should ask yourself are:

• How do you hear your own music? Is it angry, sad, cheerful or happy?

• Are your personal notes in harmony with life notes? Are they noisy or melodic?

The music you play and the music you hear determines your happiness in life or lack of it.

Q. To what degree  can I change my lifestyle to become happier?
A. The best way to find out is through the following formula:
Degree of Change = Degree of education + Degree of experience
Quality of change = (Quality of thoughts) + (Quality of environmental reinforcing feedback).
In other words, the degree of change is a function of how strong (positive or negative) your education is and its validating experience (pain/rewards). A better education leads to less trial and errors, less struggle and a faster change process.

Q. Can I achieve emotionally pain-free life?

A. There is no such thing as a pain-free life. In fact emotional pain is a necessary and useful life tool that alerts you to re-examine your living environment and values. Imagine if you had no pain sensation in your body, you could burn your skin or lose hand without even noticing it. Pain is a necessary tool to protect you, to help you learn about, adapt to, or change your living environment.

Q. How long does it take to achieve happiness?
A. Although Americans are used to "quick-fixes", unfortunately there is no such thing as "quick happiness". Yes, there are some drugs that induce chemical changes to suppress your brain's anxiety function for a short period of time, but a true and lasting happiness requires going through a process of continuous change and development. Be aware that your happiness is not tied to any one event. Happiness is mainly a product of  your mindset, value system and lifestyle choices. For a lasting change most people take months and some even take years. The good news is that most people notice a substantial difference in their mood right after the workshop and they are motivated to use the change program to sustain the positive feelings. The process of change is hardly tiresome and better yet, during the process of change you'll become less stressed, more relaxed and enjoy life more, which will in turn motivate you further to continue with your personal development program.

 

To attend happiness workshop, please visit www.lifehappiness.org

About the Author

Mr. Med Yones is the president of International Institute of Management (IIM).  IIM is an advanced management research and leadership education institute based in Las Vegas, Nevada.  IIM research network includes 55 universities and research partners in 40 countries. One of IIM’s main research practices covers personal and organization development science with a focus on leadership transformation, change management, success and life-fulfillment. For more information about IIM please visit http://www.iim-edu.org .